The dark side of secrets
In The Little House on the Prairie episode, The Music Box, Laura becomes friends with Anna, a girl who stutters when she speaks. When bully Nellie has a party to start a club, she invites Laura to join but openly rejects Anna. At the party, Laura decides to steal Nellie’s music box. When Nellie catches her with the now broken music box, Laura tells Nellie that she will do whatever she asks if she doesn’t tell her parents. Nellie agrees and promises Laura, “It will be our secret.”
Nellie doesn’t waste time bossing Laura around. When Nellie forces Laura to play with her, Laura has to lie and be mean to Anna and her sister, Mary, to hide her secret. When the guilt, the lies, and crazy nightmares are too much for Laura, she confesses to Pa that she stole Nellie’s music box.
Everybody has secrets. A 2017 study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, found that the participants on average held 13 of the 38 most common secrets, five of which they had not shared with anyone. Drug addiction and abuse, sexual infidelity, and problems with debt are examples of some common secrets. Other, more dark secrets are like skeletons in the closet that, if exposed, could be a source of shame and pain. These secrets can include a criminal past, abortion, and even a previous marriage.
One of the problems with secrets is that they never clear out of your mind. The reason is because when you choose to keep a secret, you literally are choosing to keep it with you forever with the intention of never giving it to another person. And because you carry these secrets in your mind, they can invade your thoughts at the most unexpected times. When they do, it can create anxiety and depress your mood. Believe or not, hiding the secret is not the problem. Thinking about it is.
Here are some basic guidelines when dealing with secrets. First of all, know that once you tell someone your secret, it is no longer a secret. Therefore, the wisest thing you can do is to keep your secrets to yourself.
Second, never tell someone a secret without a good understanding of how that secret will affect the person you tell. For example, you may feel overwhelming guilt for having that fling with your co-worker. But if 1) you have ended the affair; 2) you have made a solid decision to dedicate yourself to your partner; and 3) you are more than certain that the truth will not come out unless you tell your partner, why burden him or her with your truth? The secret is your burden to carry until you are ready to finally let go of the guilt and shame and forgive yourself.
Three, know that some secrets may need to remain unmentioned regardless of how much you trust a person. What is only “a little out there” for you could be quite the taboo topic for someone else. And, remember, few people can keep secrets.
And four, people hold on to lots of personal secrets. You unburden yourself from your secret with someone and you invite that person to tell you secrets that you may never have wanted to hear. Think twice and then one more time because once you share it, you cannot control what that person does with your now not-so-secret information.
If you feel that you need to talk to someone to be able to let the go of the burden of your secret, see a therapist. Or confess to a trusted spiritual leader. If the secret is affecting your health and you trust your doctor, talk to him or her. Or you can simply talk to God. He really only wants you to be happy and at peace. “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” (Philipians 4:6-7).
Mother Owl
